Dear Clarice,
Last night I was visiting my boyfriend in his home upstate. We haven’t seen each other in quite some time since he started college and I couldn’t wait to get it on with him. I was reading some sex stories on the way to his house and I couldn’t contain my excitement. Finally, I arrive at his front door, a little moist, and we quickly get to work. We somehow end up in the shower and I start giving him a very intense blowjob. What came next I wasn’t absolutely expecting but— my boyfriend pissed in my mouth. I swallowed a few cups of his urine and it tasted a bit salty. My concern is that I think I might have an STD, or maybe an ulcer. Can I get an ulcer? Do I have Gonorrhea or Chlamydia? What do you think?
Pissed off Pedro from Pittsburg, PA.

My dear butch queen;

You definitely can not transmit an STD through urine. Assuming your mans penis looked good and healthy, girthy, and throbbing, you probably didn’t get Gonorrhea, especially if the penis wasn’t drippy. I do recommend, however, that you get an STD screening. Next time remind your partners to not only warn you before they shoot their load in your mouth, but also before they empty their bladders into your esophagus. He tried that mama.

Ever-so-lovingly,

Clarice Cunt~